Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Holy sore nipples Batman
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
