Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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