i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
