so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
