I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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