genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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