I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
