I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
