i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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