I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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