I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
