So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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