I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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