i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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