she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
