Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
