your room smells of hookers.
And success
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
