I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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