that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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