I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
