Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
