I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
