well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hippo gnu deer
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
