A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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