rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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