He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
