yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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