after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
