Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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