You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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