there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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