but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
