This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This house was built for laser tag.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
