i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
