I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
