I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
