Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
