I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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