I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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