i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
