Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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