Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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