I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
