hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
