When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
