I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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