It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
