for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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