I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
