You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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