remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
