My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am midnight drunk by noon
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
