i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
