Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
