he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
