Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
