Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
please don't ironically join a cult
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