I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
