moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
