Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize