Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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