ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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