it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
