6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
